My New Job - A New Blog By Mike

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My New Job - A New Blog By Mike

Post by Guest on Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:33 am

Alright, so I started a new job at the start of January, and after a christmas that involved moving a grand total of fourteen feet, it was a bit of a shock to my system. The first shock was when I woke up... 6.30? What the hell is that all about? Who gets up at half six? That's an insanely stupid time to have to get up! After the initial shock, I was bemused to find that there was no bread... what was I to eat? I was informed of a strange concoction of savoury items, often called a 'sandwich'. So I made what could very loosely be termed as one of these 'sandwich' things. Packing this into my bag, alongside this supposedly healthy boomerang known as a banana, a packet of breakfast flavoured crisps and a sachet of powder. Before you say anything, it's a cup-o-soup, not anything untowards. I challenge anyone to try to snort a crouton!

On my way out, I almost lost my footing, as there had been a late night flurry of snow. I decided to walk slower, and differently, ending up looking like I had some kind of rectal problem. I got to my bus stop, the same one I got for my previous job, and waited. And waited. It was so cold, my warmer than warm leather gloves were throwing in the towel, and had decided that a new future as gloves for handling warm things was the way to go. I was somewhat bemused. My bus arrived, and I got on it as usual. Because it was earlier than usual, it was still dark, and I was still somewhat bleary-eyed, I missed my seat and caught my bag on a nuns head. She wasn't best pleased, but I had my iPod on, so therefore I was invincible and uncontactable.

I arrived at my stop, where I still had a five minute walk to where I work, so I head off in search of the nearest bacon on toast. I had my priorities exactly in the right order. On finding this wonderful and aromatic treasure, I continued on my way to the high rise eyesore that was my new office. They call it the Plaza, but I'd much rather call it the Random Selection of Rejected Design Ideas, or RSORDI. So, walking up the stairs, I have to wait until someone with a swipey rectangle thing to let me into the main office. I immediately hang a right and I'm onto the bank of desks where I work. It was time to pretend to be from a supermarket! First of all, I have to walk fifteen miles to get to my locker, where I keep a scanner, and a box of supplies. By 'box of supplies', I don't mean like a box of vital ammuniton, first aid equipment and rations, I mean a letter opener, a stapler, a scanner, and some scissors. Vital supplies, I'm sure you'll agree. So, on my return journey, I'm throwing my keys in the air rather skilfully with one hand, while carrying the box under the other arm, and this old man walks past and tries to grab my keys in mid flight. Luckily, I tasered him and he fell to the ground, twitching.

Upon returning to my desk, I grab a bag of post, which looks and smells somewhat like a corpse in a bag. It isn't, but it could easily be. It could so easily be. After I've finished scanning the corpses, I put them in small black square hollow chasms, where they wait until their next journey to the department they're actually supposed to be in. Time rolls on, and it gets to lunch time. I have several options at this point, the first being the 'sandwich' thing in my bag, the second, a pastie from the nearby bakers, and the third, a pointless coffee thing from Starbucks(and bucks and bucks). I chose the first one, because it was an innovative food of the future, and was my own creation. Once I'd finished smiling and almost crying with pride that I made this thing, I ate it, and it tasted somewhat bland. I wasn't disappointed though, I had learnt a new skill.

Once I'd finished lunch, I carried on with some more corpse scanning, then I had to count them all and put them all inside this tiny cabinet. Some didn't exactly fit, so I had to be a little imaginative, putting some of the corpses into different poses, a bit like tetris. Needless to say, my colleagues were impressed by my corpse stacking ability, and each of them in turn gave me a pat on the back and a small block of dutch cheese. I had twelve blocks of dutch cheese to make those 'sandwiches' with, so I wasn't going to go hungry for a while! Now all I needed to do was do something so incredible that they'd have to give him some bread as a reward. I figured I'd done enough for one day however, and promptly went and put my box of ammo away, and headed for the nearest exit. Upon exiting RSORDI, I was hit by a gust of wind so strong that I had to dodge a flying pensioner, six dogs and a flagpole. It wasn't until I got on the bus that I realised that the flagpole was thrown by some angry guy who was unhappy at my cheese rewards.

I arrived home and plonked myself on the couch. It had been a productive day, but it wasn't over. It was time to make a 'sandwich' for tomorrow! I slunk into the kitchen and got out a block of cheese, some bread and a knife, then I called my mother to get her to remind me of the recipe for one of those 'sandwich' things. She said something really loud and hung up. I figured I'd just wing it from here. Three hours later, I finally replicated the miracle from this morning, so I poured myself a glass of pepsi and climbed the stairs, collapsing on my bed. It was the end of a long and active day. I was satisfied that it had gone to plan, and promptly went to sleep. My working day was over. Time to do it all again tomorrow!

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